My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
