Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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