Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
