when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
