My first STD was from a foam party
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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