So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I came so hard my ears popped.
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