508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
