This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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