Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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