you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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