Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
