cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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