saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I didn't notice because vodka
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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