Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
