On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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