...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
