I'm really into asian looking animals
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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