I just cut my nipple shaving
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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