i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
