you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My vagina is officially offended.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
