Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
