My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
