Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
