my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
