Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
