The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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