I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
