I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I love you. Go after that dick
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
