Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
