i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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