so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
