i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize