shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
