You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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