My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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