all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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