Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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