My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
