nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
