I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
