You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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