did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Randomize
