then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
