I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
