i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
should my penis look like a turkey
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
