They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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