I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
