The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
