My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
