remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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