bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
