My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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