Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
