better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize