Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
