dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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