Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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