You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
