Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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