So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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